By: Katherine Tuominen – Catalyst Brand Strategy
In New York, “How are you?” is rarely an actual question. It functions more as a cultural reflex, a polite signal exchanged between subway stops, before meetings, or as the preface to a request. The response is just as automatic: “Good.” “Busy.” “Fine.” In a city powered by momentum, ambition, and performance, there is little time to pause long enough to answer honestly.
Yet beneath that efficiency, many New Yorkers are quietly navigating stress, burnout, and unresolved emotional strain. Global mental health research shows that a majority of adults will experience at least one potentially traumatic event in their lifetime. While not everyone develops post-traumatic stress disorder, many people carry unprocessed experiences that shape how they relate to work, relationships, and themselves. The effects do not always look dramatic. Often, they look like overachievement, perfectionism, or relentless independence.
This Self-Love Day, founder Lauren Friedman proposes a subtle yet powerful shift in how we begin conversations. Instead of asking, “How are you?” she invites people to ask, “How are u healing?”
It is a small change in wording, but one that alters the tone entirely. The question assumes that everyone is in process, that growth is ongoing, that healing is human, and that struggle is not a personal failure.
Friedman understands the weight of performance culture intimately. She spent nearly twenty years in Advertising and Technology, building a reputation for translating complex ideas across global markets. Her career required precision, speed, and strategic clarity. What she later recognized, however, was that much of her high performance was driven by what she now describes as survival mode.
“In professional environments, especially in cities like New York, being constantly ‘on’ is normalized,” she explains. “But there is a difference between being motivated and being wired for threat.”
That distinction led her to explore nervous system literacy, understanding how the body responds to stress and how unresolved experiences can influence behavior long after events have passed. Trauma, she notes, is not limited to catastrophic events. It can include prolonged emotional stress, relational instability, or experiences that overwhelm a person’s capacity to cope at the time. Complex trauma, often rooted in early life stress, can shape coping mechanisms in subtle but persistent ways.
In fast-paced cities, these patterns often go unexamined because they are rewarded. Hypervigilance may look like drive. Dissociation may resemble productivity. Chronic anxiety may be reframed as ambition. When the culture celebrates resilience above all else, it becomes difficult to distinguish between thriving and simply surviving.
Friedman’s shift began with awareness. After years of therapy and professional success, she realized that what she believed was peace was often just safety, the absence of an immediate threat rather than genuine regulation. Understanding that difference changed how she related to herself and, eventually, to others.
When she began replacing “How are you?” with “How are u healing?” she noticed a change in energy almost immediately. Some people hesitated. Others exhaled. Many paused long enough to consider their answer.
“The question removes shame,” she says. “It assumes that healing is normal and ongoing. It gives people permission to be in progress.”
Importantly, Friedman does not position herself as a therapist. She is clear that professional care is essential when needed. Her role, as she sees it, is to foster connection and make conversations about emotional health more accessible and less clinical. She often describes her work as translating complex psychological concepts into everyday language.
That mission eventually evolved into the Why Go Project, a global healing ecosystem inspired in part by the Pearl Jam song that carried her through difficult seasons. The name reflects both a personal anthem and a broader inquiry: Why go through pain alone when connection is possible?
Through initiatives such as Trauma Translator™ Live, the HOW-ARE U HEALING™ Resource Hub, experiential events, and a forthcoming pediatric complex trauma nonprofit, the Why Go Project blends neuroscience-informed education with storytelling and community building. Friedman integrates humor, cultural references, and lived experience to create spaces where heavy topics feel approachable rather than overwhelming.
For Self-Love Day, her invitation is not elaborate. It does not require a curated ritual or aesthetic display of wellness. Instead, it calls for a moment of honest reflection. She encourages people to pause before automatically answering, to notice what their bodies are doing, and to consider what healing might look like in this season of their lives.
Self-love, in her view, is not indulgence. It is capacity: the ability to regulate, set boundaries, acknowledge truth without judgment, and build connections that reduce isolation.
In a city that rarely slows down, asking a better question may be one of the simplest acts of resistance. “How are u healing?” shifts the focus from performance to process, from image to reality.
The answer may not be polished. It may not even be clear yet. But the willingness to ask, and to listen, can create space for something more honest than “fine.”
And sometimes, that honesty is where real connection begins.
Disclaimer: The information provided is for general informational purposes only and should not be considered as professional mental health advice. Individuals seeking personal support should consult with a qualified healthcare provider or mental health professional.
